A Letter to My Daughter on Her 4th Birthday!

Carlisle Grace-

Tomorrow is Christmas Day, 2010 and we will celebrate your 4th birthday.  I cannot believe how beautifully you've grown over these short years.  I look at you and already I admire your natural grace.  You move about easily in a rhythmic dance with long legs and delicate features.  Soft, golden curls frame your face and spill beautifully over your shoulders and down your back.  Your big, blue eyes light up when you smile.  Your gaze is serious and intense. You do love excitement, yet there is a quiet calm about your soul. 

Carlisle, your sister sure does love you!  I often catch her just staring at you with an awed expression.  She doesn't just admire you when you dance.  "ReeseyRoo" (Weesy-Woo as you call her) loves to make you giggle.  I love your laugh, too.  It is honest and pure and quite contagious.

I can already tell you will be an accomplished dancer.  Miss Jackie thinks so, too.  I do believe you will one day be famous!  It is my prayer that you will bring glory to your Father in Heaven who endowed you with so great a talent!  Always give Him praise for what He has done for you and what He is doing inside of you.  He will take you places far beyond what you could ever dream or imagine!

I can already see that you were created for worship!  Sometimes you begin to dance freely with impromptu steps as you lightly sing an ad-libbed tune that is simply angelic.  On the way to the nursery the other day, you spontaneously began to sing, "The Lord is my strength and my song.  The Lord is my strength and my song."  You didn't even know it, but you were ministering to me with the song of the Lord! 

You are my lovely, princess ballerina.  For you, my daughter, are "fearfully and wonderfully made" and I am so blessed to be your Mommy! I do love you so.

Psalm 149:3 "Let them praise His name with the dance..."

Off to the Races

The wee hours of the morning are so quiet and still.  The soft purr of kids sleeping.  The comforting ever so slight whirr of the central heat dispursing its warmth through our apartment.  Hot coffee in hand, I go to my favorite spot on the sofa, swing my feet up into a comfy position on the other cushions while letting my head rest against the wall behind me.  Everything is still.

Everything except my mind.  It may as well be NASCAR in my brain.  Here comes car #1, driven by StessingOverThingsICannotChange followed by RegrettingPoorChoicesMade.  Don't look now, but HowInTheWorldAmIGoingToGetEverythingPaidOnTime is squeezing in trying to take the lead.  Each driver takes his turn in the lead, but it is that continuous, monotonous, round and round the circle we go.

Herein lies the battle...the mind games.  Author, John Eldredge, describes this volatile takeover as the "thief of joy."  Nehemiah 8:10 tells us, "Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”  If the thief steals your joy, your strength has been stolen, too.  As a mother, single or not, strength is as vital to you as the air you breathe or the blood pumping through your veins.  You must keep going whether you feel it or you don't.  There is no sick time, no vacation time. 

I have found that I can rest in His perfect peace, peace "that passes all understanding." When sheer panic tries to take its fierce grip, turning my stomach inside out, I stop.  I take a deep breath allowing no words to come from my mouth except, "God, I trust you."  Period.  Then, I keep walking.

Now, back to the race...

From outta nowhere, here comes Driver #7 who appears to be just sailing by the other drivers.  In a massive explosion, all the other drivers are taken out of the competition.  There is only one driver left and He is taking me over the finish line.

"Jesus, take the wheel."  --Carrie Underwood

The Vine

Today has been one of those days!  To sit down and tell you exactly what has been tough about it is impossible.  I can't really name one thing above another.  Water all over the bathroom floor from bath time is not that unusual.  Rambunctious behavior partly due to a missed nap time, not usually so draining.  Functioning on little or no sleep is not usually this difficult.  Okay, so what exactly IS the problem?

When I find that everything seems intolerable around me, it generally means something is awry in me.  Things are definitely awry.  There is a battle going on inside, spiritual warfare.  A fight for control--control of emotions, control of uncontrollable situations, control of SELF.  Even stressing over financial woes is a fight for control.  We are literally fighting with God for control when we should just toss that big load of worry on His shoulders.  His stature can handle it.  Mine most certainly cannot.

So, what now?  I run to my favorite spot on the couch, lay my head on my favorite cushion, and picture Jesus sitting there, wiping the now streaming tears from my face.  I get very still, very quiet and I wait.  I wait for His peace, His direction, His comfort to consume me and take away the load I've tried to drag around with me all day.  I let His presence envelop me, and only then can I press my restart button.  I am recharged, reconnected to the Vine.  John 15:5 is recorded as, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

Now, I can make clear decisions or I can have peace while I wait for the answer.  Now, I can feel my patience restored and I can deal kindly with my children or my estranged husband.  I can now clean up the water on the bathroom floor without crying.  I can get rambunctious kids in bed without a fight, but with a giggle and tender kiss on those adorably sweet cheeks.  I can pray without subjecting them to an "all about me" prayer. 

To sum it up, He is all I need! :)

John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

Introduction

I am a 34-year old mother of two and as you've already figured out....I'm single.  Well, bascially single.  My husband and I have been separated for 2 1/2 years.  Legally, we are married; however, we live in different cities and we live very different lives.

He lives the fast-paced, big-city life.  I live in a much smaller, much slower town. When it comes to alcohol, I abstain, he indulges.  If he decides to go out for lunch or run an errand, he does so.  I can go, but I have to get two girls dressed, grab a snack and drink for them if we are going to be out a while, and leave the house remembering to put on shoes...and on a good day I will choose a matching set.  Lunch out for Daddy Dearest means a neighborhood bar and grill where "everybody knows your name."  A day out for him might mean a Braves game or a day of golf with the guys.  I, on the otherhand, will opt for a kid-friendly restaurant and places that having shopping carts or are accessible with a double-stroller.  Usually the outing will be early afternoon so as not to interupt bath and bedtime rituals. 

My day starts at 5:00 a.m. and usually does not end before 10:00 p.m.  (Of course, that could be later if I want to do something fun, like read a book, blog or check out facebook!) I work a full-time job and at the moment I have a temporary part-time job.  So, I have to admit there are times when I want to scream, "What makes you so special that you can live without any responsibiltiy while I have given my life to the upbringing of our daughters?" or "What gives you the right to take the time to 'find yourself' while I have to deny myself daily for the betterment of the children?"

Fortunately, before I get too deep in self-pity, the Lord reminds me that I am actually the lucky one.  I have the privilege of seeing those two smiling faces every morning.   The sounds of their laughter fill the rooms of my apartment.  I am the one who can kiss their boo-boos and wipe their tears.  I have the absolute pleasure of tucking them in their beds every  night.  Their bedtime prayers bring a refreshing and light-heartedness that helps me complete the tasks that only begin once they are asleep.  It is wonderful that I get to see the little things that melt your heart--their innocence, sincerity, and purity.  I am the one who is blessed.  I am the one who gets to be Mommy!

Tonight, my 3 year-old said to me, "Mommy, we sure do miss you when we are at school."  What could be greater than that?

"Children are a gift from the Lord;  they are a reward from him." Psalm 127:3